Guest Post by Greg Payne
Award-winning author and Host, The Cool Grandpa Podcast
Fathers today are under a lot of stress. But hasn't that always been the case since the world started spinning? Since the first sons overcame the myriad diseases once responsible for high infant mortality to survive long enough to become fathers themselves, dads of all ages have endured stress.
What's unique about today's dads, however, is that men are living much longer and getting to experience the joys and challenges of being a father, grandfather, and, in some cases, still being a son. The average life expectancy for men in 1924 was just over 53 years. Now, 100 years later, that life expectancy has increased to just over 79 years.
Without going into the different factors that contribute to our greater longevity, many of us men over 50 now are able to witness our sons become fathers, raise families, and often see our children become grandparents too. What a remarkable time to be alive filled with opportunities to continue contributing positively to our children's lives. Many of us are now able to take on the role of "sage elder" that in times past was enjoyed by very few.
But while there are benefits to living longer as a dad and granddad, research continues to show men are experiencing stresses that past generations never had to navigate. The United States Surgeon General recently published its advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Young Parents, which reported that 48 percent of parents say their stress is overwhelming and 33 percent of young parents indicate high levels of stress compared to 20 percent of other adults. I recommend checking out the link to the study above so you can better understand what's going on not only with your sons who are dads, but also with their buddies and other young men in their lives.
The study identified several key factors that are negatively affecting younger parents today, including:
Financial strain, economic instability, and poverty
Time demands
Children's health
Children's safety
Technology and social media
Cultural pressures and children's futures.
Now that we know our young dads are experiencing high stress levels for various reasons, some new and some old, what can we as older dads do to support these young men so they have a chance to be the best version of daddy to their children – our grandchildren?
First, we can provide guidance and not direction. What I mean by this is that as we move from being in that tactical role of raising children ourselves into a sage or strategic/advisory role, we must embrace the position of providing guidance. Our time for telling our boys what to do and how to do it is over by the time most of us become grandfathers. We need to use our hard-earned wisdom and experience to talk (and listen to) them through problems, provide relevant information based on our experience, and then let these young men take ownership of their decisions.
Second, if we encourage them to set short- and long-term goals (perhaps related to one or more of the factors mentioned in the Surgeon General's report above), we can act as their accountability partners. As their dads, we should keep in mind that our sons may be more open to sharing personal details and goals with us than with their friends. One example of how an older father can be a good accountability partner in the financial area might relate to saving money for a car, house, or even just paying off debt. Some other examples in the area of loneliness/isolation, could be to exercise together with the goal of dropping a certain amount of weight or to encourage regular "date nights" with their spouse. Other shared activities to help maintain your relationship and mental health might include artistic endeavors, such as writing, painting, or playing music.
Third, and probably most important, is to praise them. Think back to when you were a young father and remember all the times you received praise from people, especially other men. Is this a call for participation trophies? No way! What I'm talking about is that young fathers often have their personal and not-so-personal battles go unnoticed. As our sons start families of their own and take on more responsibility, sometimes, their dad is in the best position to see their sacrifice and triumphs. Hopefully, they have a spouse who also waves the banner for her child's young daddy's victories, but getting a "well done" and a hug (in-person or virtual) helps to fortify the young dad for the next day's challenges and stress.
These are not the only three things our young dads could use from us to manage their stress and challenges successfully, of course. But for seasoned "pro" dads, providing guidance, accountability where needed and wanted, and praising them when earned is an excellent place to start.
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Greg Payne is the proud Daddy to two sons and Cool Grandpa to four fantastic grandchildren. He hosts The Cool Grandpa Podcast, where he interviews grandfathers about how they make their relationships cool. Greg also interviews adult grandchildren about their experiences with their grandfathers and experts in areas important to grandfathers. He has written the award-winning children’s book My Grandpa’s Grandpa. He is married to Karen Mangum and lives with their crazy beagle, Roxy, in Atlanta, Georgia. Follow him on LinkedIn or join his Cool Grandpa group on Facebook.
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