By Allan Shedlin
Grampsy and Founder, Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F)
EDITOR'S NOTE: A version of the following post was first published and distributed by The New York Times/Hearst News Service, December 29, 2005:
‘Tis the season when memories of family holiday celebrations past tend to intrude and strip away the layers of concealment we have in place that prevent emotions from inconveniently derailing the hurtling forward momentum of our lives.
At this moment in history, when many of us have to work a lot harder to maintain a sense of optimism and equanimity, it would be opportune to seize this annual emotional ambush of memories to reconnect with the feelings they arouse. After all, these holiday flashbacks – these auld lang syne moments – are often accompanied by a glimmering clarity about one of life’s greatest gifts: the unique opportunity for a loving connection between parents and their child.
As parents remembering these holiday moments, we might also recollect the silent personal vows we have made to our children to always be there for them. Yet all too often, those heartfelt vows have disappeared to a secret land where single socks and lost umbrellas live.
After conducting thousands of hours of interviews with fathers and grandfathers from 20 countries, it is clear to me that this secret land of single socks and lost umbrellas is also inhabited by the silent vows that so many dads make after witnessing the birth of their children. Those birth moments are ones of dense emotion, when new dads are often overwhelmed by an intensity of love they have never felt before. Men have confided to me that these feelings are often accompanied by an awareness of the vulnerability of their newborns and a beginning recognition of what an important role they have an opportunity to play in the lives of their child. Of course, very few of us have an inkling, at that moment, of the important role children can play in our own ongoing development as adults.
...it is clear to me that this secret land of single socks and lost umbrellas is also inhabited by the silent vows that so many dads make after witnessing the birth of their children.
My interviews with dads and granddads followed hundreds of interviews I conducted with kids, ages 5 to 21, in three countries about the qualities they most sought in an excellent dad/parent. What is most remarkable about the qualities kids say they want in a parent, is that they coincide with the parental qualities dads say they most want to cultivate. And even more remarkable, these are the very same qualities that child development professionals identify as most needed in order for children to thrive.
As you make your 2025 new year’s resolutions, it might be useful to review some of the parental qualities kids told me they longed for. Above all, kids want their parents to:
Be there, really be there (kids often described what I call "AWOL Parents" – parents who are absent without leaving)
Take them as seriously as they take themselves
Respect them, even if they don’t agree with them
Set fair and consistent limits
Demonstrate a sense of humor
Provide affection
Trust them
Offer recognition; and
Make known their unambiguous expectations.
Most of these wants can be achieved with modest effort. Once converted to New Year parenting resolutions, they must not be allowed to escape into the land of single socks and lost umbrellas throughout 2025 and beyond.
2025 Call for Entries IS OPEN
Early-bird discount ends FRIDAY!
Students (1st grade - undergrad), Dads/Dad figures, and indie filmmakers, tell us your stories about the importance of having or being an involved dad.
Submit via FilmFreeway now through March 3rd!
Allan Shedlin has devoted his life's work to improving odds for children and families. He has three daughters, five grandchildren, and numerous "bonus" children and grandchildren. A trained educator, Allan has alternated between classroom service, school leadership, parenting coaching, policy development, and advising at the local, state, and national levels. After eight years as an elementary school principal, Allan founded and headed the National Elementary School Center. He’s written about education and parenting for major news outlets and trade publications, and given numerous TV, radio, and podcast interviews. In 2008, he was the first male honored as a "Living Treasure" by Mothering Magazine and founded REEL Fathers. In 2010 he advised the Obama White House on fathering policy. In 2017, he founded the DADvocacy Consulting Group. In 2018, he launched the Daddy Wishes Fund and Daddy Appleseed Fund. In 2019, he co-created and co-facilitated the Armor Down/Daddy Up! and Mommy Up! programs for veterans and their children. He’s conducted daddying workshops with Native American pueblos, veterans’ groups, penitentiaries, Head Start centers, corporate boardrooms, and elementary schools. In 2022, Allan founded the Daddying Film Festival & Forum (D3F). In 2024 he was named to Who’s Who. Allan earned his elementary and high school diplomas from NYC’s Ethical Culture Schools, BA at Colgate University, MA at Columbia University’s Teachers College, and ABD at Fordham University. But he considers his D-A-D and GRAND D-A-D the most important “degrees” of all.
