By Scott Beller
Daddying Editor
As the two of us waited for our order of soft tacos and "tot-chos" to arrive at our table, we engaged in the usual dad-daughter lunch conversation. What do you have planned for your last week before school starts? What are you looking forward to this school year? How weird is it we're the ONLY two people having lunch in this taqueria at noon on a Taco Tuesday?
But when I asked Lauren, my rising sophomore, what she wanted to do for her 15th birthday, which is today and happens to be a day off for students during the first week of school, giving them an extended Labor Day weekend, she replied, "I don't know."
Her response wasn't surprising since we had just returned from an amazing family trip through New England that included five college campus tours for her sister, a whale-watching cruise, a Sox game at Fenway, some of our best (and priciest!) meals of the year, and culminated with four days in Cape Cod (a "first" inspired by her request) plus a final, intriguing day touring Newport, RI, and its "cottages." Anyone would be hard-pressed to come up with good ideas so soon after that eye-popping experience.
So, we moved on to discuss easier topics, like the possibility of getting ice cream after lunch.
This was the first opportunity I'd had to take my youngest on a dad-daughter date in a long time. It reminded me of our early days together, just the two of us, while her big sister was off at preschool and kindergarten. Feels like I was much better then at starting and encouraging conversations back when every subject was on the table because everything was new and exciting. And easy.
Like the time when 5-year-old Lauren ate everything but a specific section of each bear in her handful of Teddy Grahams:
ME: "hey, what are all those?"
LAUREN: "Oh, those are just the belly buttons."
Or that time I said to 3-year-old Lauren after lunch, "Wow, you've got mac 'n' cheese all over your face." Smiling through the goop, Lauren replied, "That means I really enjoyed it."
Or when I once observed during a meal, "Today feels like a Sunday to me for some reason." And 8-year-old Lauren responded, "Well, it’s summer time, so every day feels like Saturday or Sunday to me and Morgan."
Our lunch outing last week was a peek into the future. Morgan will leave next fall for her college freshman year, and Lauren effectively becomes the "only child." While Lauren looks forward to this new dynamic and the promise of more privacy, attention, and influence on what TV shows the family watches after dinner, her mother and I are, obviously, torn.
Considering what the coming school year full of firsts and lasts means for our family (and each of us individually), there are many questions to be answered – some easily, some not. Questions about college admissions (and, hopefully, having choices), class schedules and homework, sports schedules (really just Crew as this will be Lauren's first fall since kindergarten when soccer is not in the mix), balancing boyfriend vs. friend vs. family time, and has anyone fed the cats?
Questions can create anxiety. But asking them is the first step towards knowing the answers. So, that's my goal for the coming year. To create more one-on-one time with both daughters and to use that precious time to get them talking, be thoughtful about the questions I ask, and be a better listener. To hear what's said and not said. I want them to know that while things are changing, I'm here and they can confide in me. Good news, bad news, whatever.
When our kids are growing up, being there in the small moments and the big ones is beneficial for them as well as for us parents. As our kids get older and we see less of them, this is still true, but it feels like we get more of the benefit. So, for the next year, all I want is to be with my girls. As much as they will tolerate.
Happy birthday, Lauren – Dad loves you! Where do you want to go next?
Scott Beller is the proud, imperfect crew dad of two mighty girl rowers, imperfect husband of a rock-star mom/regatta chaperone, truth teller, former soccer coach, part-time driving instructor, photobomber, purveyor of banned books, Editor of the Daddying blog, and Director of Communications for DCG and D3F. He's a seasoned writer and PR agency veteran with more than 30 years of experience helping organizations of all sizes reach audiences and tell their stories. Prior to launching his own creative communications consultancy in 2003, he led PR teams with some of the world’s most respected agencies, including Fleishman-Hillard and The Weber Group. As a consultant, he’s helped launch two other parenting advocacy nonprofits with DCG founder Allan Shedlin. His first book, Beggars or Angels, was a ghostwritten memoir for the nonprofit Devotion to Children's founder Rosemary Tran Lauer. He was formerly known as "Imperfect Dad" and Head Writer for the Raising Nerd blog, which supported parents in inspiring the next generation of scientists, engineers, and creative problem solvers. He earned his BA in Communications from VA Tech.
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